Dear Port Chester Residents,
I know many of you are distressed about how greedy hedge fund guys have made foolish and risky sub-prime mortgage investments that have caused your house to loose value.
Worse yet some Port Chester residents have been forced into bankruptcy, because of the hedge fund mess.
Please don't blame me or my greedy hedge fund friends. It is your own damn fault for taking that hedge fund backed subprime loan.
But don't worry about my investments or me, because the Federal Reserve Chairman is going to use your tax dollars to bail out the subprime mortgage and hedge fund industry.
You might lose your house, but us hedge fund guys wont lose a dime. Remember rank has privilege. Beside I and the Federal Reserve Chairman expect you to pick your self up by the boot straps.
Now many of you have accused me of being insensitive and unconcerned about what was happened to the Port Chester Real Estate Market.
So I am going to put down all of these copies of the Town Crier that I always read from and speak to you off the cuff.
I know that this will make Bernie "I Forgot To Pay Over 100 Property Tax Bills" Abel mad, but I want to try and make you think that I feel your pain.
Besides, I am really getting tired of repeating the Town Crier lies month after month after month.
As you know a hedge fund guy like myself uses a proprietary investing tool, that I like to call a dart board.
Last month the dart landed on international gold investments.
Once the dart has chosen the asset class I like to use a unique digital computer investment model.
Unfortunately, the digital computer investment model was not as unique as I thought. It looks like all of us "Harvard Educated Fools" were given the same digital computer model in Economics 101.
Basically, thousands of "Harvard Educated Fools" like myself are using the same dice. At "Harvard we were told that the technical term for this a "Crowed Trade.
You may also hear the guys down at Vinny's Lunch refer to it as "Climbing On A Bandwagon Headed For A Brick Wall".
It sort of reminds you of my campaign to be the Rye Town Stupidvisor.
Any how, back to that digital computer model that us hedge fund guys used to create the subprime mortgage disaster that is destroying the Port Chester real estate market.
Basically, As our alpha generation collapses, our beta has turned negative, our delta hedging has gone toxic and, trust me, you do not want to hear about our gamma.
Hopefully, You can appreciate that accurate pricing is essential for evaluating my investment strategies. This has proven to be extremely challenging in recent days. Previously, I have relied on Bob, the sales guy USA Bank on Irving Avenue.
Bob assured me the securities were still worth 100 percent of face value, so everything was cool. Bob sold the collateralized debt obligations me in the first place, so he knows what he’s talking about.
Bob, however, appears to have had a nervous breakdown, judging by the maniacal laughter that greeted my requests for price verification this week.
I therefore decided to implement an in-house valuation report, using a technique the Abel's And The Westmore News like to call “making things up,”
However, this proved unsatisfactory.
Currently, all of the portfolios I manage are undergoing a rigorous screening known as “crossing my fingers and praying that we don’t have to try and find a bid in this market.”
This is supplemented by a cross-market statistical analysis originally developed by the U.S. military called “don’t ask, don’t tell.”This “unmarking-to-unmarket” procedure has been the benchmark for the hedge-fund industry for the past, ooh, few weeks.
I have, of course, been in touch with the rating companies to update our default-probability scenarios, particularly on the AAA rated investments I own. They recommended a forecasting method using stochastics to regress the drift-to-downgrade timescales for the past 100 years and throw them forward for the next five minutes.
The technical term for this is “induction,”though those of you of a less quantitative bent may know it as“making a wild ass guess.”
I am very pleased to report that, contrary to what current market prices might suggest, all of our houses will continue to have some value. Provided, that is, the future performance of the underlying collateral is identical to its history.
Otherwise, the credit rating companies and Realtors say our homes are likely to be reclassified as “toast.”
Personally, I have also been checking on my back-up credit lines with my friends in the investment-banking world. As soon as they return my calls, I’ll be able to update you on my emergency liquidity position.
Please Don't worry, I am sure more credit is available.
On the business side of my life, some of my investors have written to me asking for their money back, citing clauses in my fund documentation called redemption rights.
Frankly, I never expected you to actually read that prospectus, which came prepackaged when I bought the Microsoft-Hedge-Fund-Guy-Software.
I certainly have no idea what all those long words mean.
I have filed your letters in a special drawer in the filing cabinet marked “trash” for now.
Do you have any idea how much trouble you all would be in if I actually sold this stuff in the market today? At these crazy prices? Fuhgeddaboudit. You’ll thank me later.
Speaking of crazy prices, I know you’ll be thrilled to learn that I have been sending out invitations to a bunch of rich guys like Bruno "Spot Zone" Gioffre and Gary "I Made Over A Million Bucks At Horton School" Gianfrancesco.
I am asking Bruno "Spot Zone" Gioffre and Gary " I Made Over Million Bucks At Horton School" Gianfrancesco to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I also have calls out to Aldo "The Patronage Boy" Vitagliano and the Rye City Republican Chairman Anthony "I Only Got 3/4 Of A Million Dollars Of Tax Money" Pisonere.
But this is not a rescue. Do not even think the word rescue. This is an opportunity. Not a rescue. An opportunity.
In fact, I think this is such a fantastic opportunity, I have agreed to forgo my usual management fee, and I will only take half my usual slice of the profits. Provided there are any profits to slice.
You, of course, are absolutely invited to participate in this offer by sending me any extra money that you have laying around your house.
Since, the Town Of Rye has cut taxes two years in a row you may want to send those savings to me.
Finally, a word for all of you who have been kind enough to inquire about my personal financial situation. I am relieved to report that my directors and officers insurance is fully paid up.
Furthermore, my fancy sports car was paid out of the 2 percent fee I levied when you wrote your first check to me, so I will still be able to trundle into the parking lot each morning in an open-necked shirt to ignore your telephone calls and e-mails.
Plus, If you are foolish enough to vote for me in November, I will be able to draft a resolution with Port Chester Republican Chairman Billy Vilanova that will allow the Town Of Rye to invest in my hedge fund. Right now we are investing in Tajik Gold mines.
Yours,
Joe "The Harvard Educated Fool" Carvin
Your Local Neighborhood Hedge-Fund Guy.
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